Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

Wednesday

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Date: I don’t think we should see each other again

Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.