I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
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I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I’m giving up for Lent.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.