Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.

Me: It’s 6 am.

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

Trying

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

BRO LMFAO

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.