Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

The struggle is real.

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.