Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.