Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

step 6: release the wall snake

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

I can’t stop watching this.

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar