Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

ㅤ

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

out-housing market appears to be strong

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.