“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
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Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
The internet is magic sometimes.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?