The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
-I’m just gonna have 1 drink before dinner
-I’m just gonna have 1 drink with dinner
-I’m just gnna hav 1 aftdinr drk
-I pishd ma pnts gen
You Might Also Like
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
1. Dial random number.
2. Wait for answering machine.
3. Say “My wife is out of town, I miss you”.
4. Hang up.
5. Happy Valentine’s Day.
7: I failed my test
Me: you tried your best
7: I got distracted by a dog outside and rushed everything
Me: happens to the best of us
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Depression is an evolutionary adaptation, predators can’t eat you if you don’t leave your house