-I’m just gonna have 1 drink before dinner
-I’m just gonna have 1 drink with dinner
-I’m just gnna hav 1 aftdinr drk
-I pishd ma pnts gen

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[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]


somebody sell me a flock of sheep so i can give them cool superhero names like bahman, the green lambtern and wonder woolman


I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.


Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.


“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.


“2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN’T HAVE FITTING ROOMS,” I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.


I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.

-The inventor of massage


Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.


[police chasing man on foot]


Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.


Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”