[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
-I’m just gonna have 1 drink before dinner
-I’m just gonna have 1 drink with dinner
-I’m just gnna hav 1 aftdinr drk
-I pishd ma pnts gen
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somebody sell me a flock of sheep so i can give them cool superhero names like bahman, the green lambtern and wonder woolman
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
“2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN’T HAVE FITTING ROOMS,” I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.
I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.
-The inventor of massage
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”