-I’m just gonna have 1 drink before dinner
-I’m just gonna have 1 drink with dinner
-I’m just gnna hav 1 aftdinr drk
-I pishd ma pnts gen

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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.


If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.


1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume


Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?


Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!


1. Dial random number.

2. Wait for answering machine.

3. Say “My wife is out of town, I miss you”.

4. Hang up.

5. Happy Valentine’s Day.


7: I failed my test

Me: you tried your best

7: I got distracted by a dog outside and rushed everything

Me: happens to the best of us


Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.


Depression is an evolutionary adaptation, predators can’t eat you if you don’t leave your house