Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

Split the bill

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”