Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

Put the is in disheveled

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

If a snake ate a cake

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.