I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
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God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Got ya covered
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.