Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules

Stop.

KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer

I finally found a reason to live again.

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born