Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.