“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
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Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Brother?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin