I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
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Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I ate everything, including the H.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard