I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
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Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Single worst piece of software ever invented
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
mumsnet is amazing
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
good let them take over I have had enough
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.