“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
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A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.