I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)