I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
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[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
You don’t even know
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.