@CArmanthegirl

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

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@Ygrene

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

@LilNasX

i am no longer dating humans i will simply just date the raccoon that climbs on my roof at night 🤍

@Smooheed

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

@TheCatWhisprer

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

@XplodingUnicorn

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

@silent_musings

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

@AndyAsAdjective

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

@meganamram

If you count a little kid on another kid’s shoulders under a trench coat as two people, then I have had TWO boyfriends