Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
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i am no longer dating humans i will simply just date the raccoon that climbs on my roof at night 🤍
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
If you count a little kid on another kid’s shoulders under a trench coat as two people, then I have had TWO boyfriends