i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
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*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
