Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

had to share :’)

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is