Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

One is against the law, the other is a sick bird

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

Mmmm canned fish.

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

[floor creaks inside mansion]

Robber 1: shhhhhh…

Robber 2: …

[Fitbit buzzes]

Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL

Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold