Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

I’m being attacked 😭

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist