I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
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*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Oh, I bet you would be
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
2 years later
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!