I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
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No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
presenting your incognito window wrapped
sometimes i miss this memes
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
Simple
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
*pronounces patio like ratio
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!