Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
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Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.
All I’m saying is no one had the coronavirus when people were eating Tide Pods.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school