I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
You Might Also Like
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi