@weinerdog4life

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

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@SuperRandomish

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

@JeffMyspace

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

@tsm560

I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.

@_salt_n_lime

All I’m saying is no one had the coronavirus when people were eating Tide Pods.

@Jarhead44

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

@notalogin

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

@batkaren

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

@FeelingEuphoric

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school