I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
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Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
this article brought to you by lions
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭