Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.

It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”