I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
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Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again