I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
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I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.