I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
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When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?