I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
You Might Also Like
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
#Caturday
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.