I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Check your privilege
Everyone’s family
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Ummm
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.