Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

i think my razor is having a panic attack

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend