I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
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#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.