I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
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When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in