“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
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I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.