“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
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I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
boat question
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
cry laughing at this shit
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
It’s that simple 👊🏻
