Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.