I’m just playing devils avocado here
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I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
welp
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Good boy 😂😂
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.