@bmarjon: I'm just playing devils avocado here
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@_laurabee_: woman next to me on the bus just asked me to read her text to her as she's forgotten her glasses. 'dog has shit entire length of kitchen.'
@AbbieEvansXO: Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain Mary: Jesus stop complaining
@ElgatoEsmio: I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
@QueefTornado: Watching a birth is beautiful. Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa's "Push It" will get you arrested.