I’m just playing devils avocado here
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Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
*seductively eats two tums*
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
New menu item
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.