Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

Smile Twitter, Smile.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

the best thing i’ve ever made

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.