I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
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I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.