Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

Date: Do you practice safe sex?

Me: I use the pull out method

Date: That doesn’t work!

Me *pulls out accordion*

Date: I don’t want to have sex with you

Me: It always works

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.