I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
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Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
this is what they would have looked like, though
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
😂😂😂
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Muppet Screams
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.