Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

Vodka burrito was a success

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

The French word for sex is croissant.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.