I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

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“Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong.” – murderers, apparently.


I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.


i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters


Whenever I’m waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I’m on a Game Show & just won a group of people


Birds do it, bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it, let’s fly headfirst into a plate glass window.


Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.


My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.


Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?


My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.