@squirrel74wkgn

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

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@two1ohhbabydoll

“Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong.” – murderers, apparently.

@juneohara65

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

@rad_milk

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

@MisterBombay

Whenever I’m waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I’m on a Game Show & just won a group of people

@ibid78

Birds do it, bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it, let’s fly headfirst into a plate glass window.

@HatfieldAnne

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

@jiggynye

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

@AGreaterMonster

Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?

@Marlebean

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.