I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
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HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
Somebody’s lying.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
