I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
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My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?