Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it