Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

is nasa ok

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight