I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
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MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit