Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

no one ever comes back

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay