I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
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If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”