Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

house sitting!

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table