Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.