Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

Good morning!

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell