I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
You Might Also Like
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.