I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
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[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Mistakes were made
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.