I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
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A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
This classic never gets old . . .
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next