I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
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Auto correct is my worst enema.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!