I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
i’m still crying at this
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Life cycle of cat
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure