I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
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19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.