I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
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Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball