I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
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Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.