Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

mandolin: finally a violin for men

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.