I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
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i made a craigslist ad !
I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.