Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

me adding lol on a serious message

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

just pretend nothing happened

one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.