Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

They’re called werewolves.

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with