I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
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We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
just left a huge legacy in there
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Don’t tell me what to do
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
meow
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
bought wrong eggs